Moon's Reflection
by Dissonencia
Summary: Renji knew it's not meant to be.


_Disclaimer_: I do not own Bleach. I do not profit.

_Word Count_:2,330

_Warning_: I'm trying simplicity.

_General Summary_: The Sun and Moon are up there in the Universe, together. And Renji could only stare at the reflection of the moon. Never have it, never reach it, nothing more. Renji Introspection.

_Summary_: Renji knew it's not meant to be.

**Moon's Reflection**

**.**

…**o0o…o0o…o0o…**

_Maybe he's wrong_.

_Maybe it's wrong_.

_Maybe he shouldn't have_.

…**0…**

Is _he_ the new Renji?

Is he the _new_ Renji? The Renji that was _fifty_ years ago? The _Renji_ that _died_ _out_ years ago? The one that was _very_ close to Rukia.

_Yeah_.

It seems like it.

But is _he_ closer?

…**0…**

He was not a jealous man. He's not selfish. He always knows he's like that.

Not really _romantique_, but more of a brusque man. Settle things with muscle and sweat. Blade and curse words. Boorish and roguish. Wild grunts and forceful attitude. Testosterone in shinigami garb. Strapping arms carrying a lieutenant badge _and_ bankai. A war veteran.

All these manly stuff and _yet_… he knows what it feels like to lose _love_.

Or at least something close to that.

And hopefully it doesn't sound so girly.

…

Did he really love her?

Love is such a strong word and men usually avoid using it.

But did he really love her?

Perhaps…sort of.

He never really reconciled with the idea of Rukia and him engaging in real romantic acts for couple. Stupid play fantasies for girls. Like those human or Shinigami ways of showing affection and intimacy.

…and the thought is so goddamn embarrassing.

But he does have something for her. _He does feel something for her_.

Yes, _he loves her_.

But he pushed her away.

He had been stupid when he let go of her.

And it landed him nowhere.

…

He wasn't exactly sure what Kurosaki Ichigo is to Rukia. _But he's something_.

Since he dared to stand against them that time when he and Kuchiki-taicho arrested Rukia, he decided he's _something_.

Or when the kid went to save her, _persistently_.

_So damn persistent_. What the hell happened in those two months to make him _that_ persistent? And the boy would not shut-up about saving her.

Kurosaki would not shut up.

Kurosaki would not shut up about doing the thing that Renji _can't_ do.

He had been an antagonist. A spectator with a gag in his mouth, a chain on his hands and denial on his brain. He could have been her savior. But throughout its half, he was the one trying to kill her and her savior.

Unswerving denial. He blamed everyone except himself.

And he only admitted it after Ichigo bested him. Shameful and heart crushing.

How exactly? Why?

Because he knew that in these two months, Rukia bonded with this brat more than with him to make him that persistent. Something that he, Renji, who grew up with her, won't even do.

But casting it all aside, he wanted Rukia to be safe no matter what.

A moment of desperation and he surrendered to Kurosaki.

He might not be her main savior but he helped her. In his own way, _he saved her_, even if it was indirect. And he protected her from Aizen himself.

And _Rukia_…

She deeply cares for Ichigo, that's true,

But up to what extent?

He knew that they are not lovers.

But Renji already stepped aside, quietly accepting. Because he knew about the potential and the promise of something possibly deeper between the two.

Because he can already see the…the…what is that exactly?

…**0…**

After Ichigo's fight with Ginjou.

Rukia was the last to leave. And Renji stayed with her.

"Well…You're previously hurt! I'm just making sure. Then I'll leave." He answered when Rukia questioned him.

'_Then I'll leave_.' Somehow, it sounded a whole new meaning to him.

What's that feeling called again?

_And he watched them interact_.

But he was not jealous man. It's just hard to ignore this little tugging somewhere in his chest when they interact.

He acts nonchalantly. He's cool with it.

"Ichigo, are you alright?"

Rukia has always been focused on him. She would ask him, worried and a little bit of anger in her voice.

"Aah." Ichigo would answer back, look in her eyes and Renji would see a hint of communication that is somewhat private to them. It felt like he's intervening so he would look away and interest himself with the walls or trees. Like that time in Hueco Mundo, when he agreed with Rukia and confronted Ichigo's apparent _concern_ for a fellow warrior going on her _own_.

After, she would walk away from him, her attention to Ichigo.

Renji was concerned for Rukia. Rukia was concerned for Ichigo. Ichigo was concerned for Rukia.

The _look_ on her face while seeing Ichigo burst out from dimension with just his sheer power was _memorable_.

He couldn't fathom what it was, he can only describe while watching from the sideline.

But then…describing it was actually even more difficult, hard to pinpoint exactly what her face revealed.

All he knew is that it was…it was…

It was _soft_.

Contains hope. Her eyes shining like that looking up at him. Worried, definitely. Relieved, because it's a confirmation of what she always stood up for, that it is the _Ichigo_ that she believed in. But then, could it be really _relief_ when she never doubted him in the first place? Could it be something else that he dare not name? Maybe an absolute faith in Ichigo? Unwavering trust? What the hell was it?

She looked _beautiful_.

And that look…was _for_ Ichigo.

And she never looked at Renji like that. She was concerned n his fight, in his well-being, in his safety.

No doubt, Rukia will always help him if he needs it. _With passion_. But the passion is not the same as with Ichigo.

But she would still do it for him too.

But if it's Ichigo, something feels different.

**…0…**

They said it was obvious.

It's not like the entirety of Soul Society was concerned in his love life, but things some things can't go unnoticed for long.

Rangiku-san commented on it. That he should do something to resolve the conflict.

But best done under the friendly push of this harmless, little bottle called _sake_ –except that the little harmless bottle of _sake_ should be multiplied by fifty or possibly by a hundred.

From his own paycheck, of course.

"You *_hicc_* have no idea..." slurry and sloppy, Rangiku-san -usually a capable fighter, lady of war and a proud slacker- waved her hands in front of Renji, eyes drooping and a drunken smirk in her lips.

"Yeah, yeah, you have no idea…" Hisagi, who was also there, because the drinks are _free_ and he couldn't say no to Matsumoto, whom he had a small crush. But instead of sitting in front of her, he chose to sit beside her with frequent stares at the opening of her shihakusho that barely restrained her ample breast because the inside view with an excellent angle is better than an incomplete frontal view.

"What are those agaaaain…?"

"Th- whaa? Maatsumotoo-saaan?"

"HA! D-oon't tell twaicho! When he though I'm doing my patrols during *hicc* daaays, I'm just sneaking into the human world to watch those…those funny looking, moving, thin small people in a screen that Orihime-chan called moo-bees or something."

"Hah! I know that. I had an article in _Sereitei Communications_ about it, the badass stuffs like motorcycles and the likes. Anyway, they're called movies-"

"Or Television channels-" Renji interjected and downed another shot. He isn't drunk yet.

"Exactly! And how do you know that, Abarai?" Hisagi clearly was.

"Rukia told me. And they're not exactly categorized as badass-"

"Disagreed!" Hisagi shouted and waved an empty bottle in Renji's bored face. "These film-like things do have something that can make you wet your pants and as such, considered badass. These moving pictures have a very interesting variation called porn-"

"Anyway, Orihime-chan and I watched those really romantic s-"

"-Shows, Matsumoto-san."

"Right, shooows. Sappy, sappy but romantic shows…especially when it gets –it gets to we-dings! Ooh, I loooove we-ding scene! Me and Orihime would cry a lot!"

"Weddings, Matsumoto-san-"

"Oh I know! I saw one sad-looking show! Where the funny, white or black-robed man would say to the audiences of the couple the 'speak now or forever hold your peace' thing. I just love it when the other man would burst from the-the audience and demand that the wedding be stopped. So *hicc* dramatic! Turns out that he too was in love with the lady! Ooh."

"Yeah, I like it too, Matsumoto-san, the 'forever hold your peace' right, Abarai?"

…

Hinamori-san offered a friendly advice. Who cornered him after his orientation to new recruits.

"You know, Abarai-kun, you should look into the brighter side."

What brighter side? And oh god, are they talking about _that_?

"Isn't it that love should be giving and understanding?"

How the hell did she knew?

"Please, not that term and what?"

Wait, are they now offering him apologetic looks?

"You should stick up to what makes Kuchiki-san happy-"

Thank goodness that the conversation was cut before it turns to something supper sappy when they both sensed the arrival of Hitsugaya-taicho.

…

Kira-san offered his views, in a very pessimistic way. He basically verbalized all the bad things before he went to the point.

"Abarai-san…Think about it, does Kuchiki-san –I mean, fukutaicho lacked something?"

_Lacked something_.

"Look…Kuchiki-san is…is well. You can talk to her now, you are an accomplished lieutenant, and you went through a lot with her. But you have to consider the circumstance now, and it's not looking good for you."

"Just don't hope for it, Abarai-san, don't hope for it. You'll just end up apologizing for ruining your friendship."

…

Kusajishi-fukutaicho was another thing. Who heard the whole thing from Momo-san and deemed it as necessary information for her organization. She called him for something important, he didn't know he was getting an advice. Also, he didn't expect the little devil could plot something so…well…

"Oh! Just give her candies. Rabbit-flavored candies."

"Um…Kusajishi-fukutaicho, do you mean Rabbit-_shaped_ candies?"

"No, you silly red pineapple! Byakushi owns a _biiig_ house full of candies and Chibi-chan loves bunnies and they're siblings so putting those together is genius! And Ken-chan always said 'it is best when it's fresh' so give Chibi-chan a chop-chop bunny head to suck. Don't forget to marinade it in honey so it'll be really, really _sweeeet_!"

"Um…_what_?"

Yeah and its equivalent is Rukia killing him for hurting those animals, let alone bring her a decapitated rabbit head.

"Trust me, creepy tattoo, it's written in the Shinigami Women's Association. Right? Right? Right Vice President Nana?"

"Um, actually no Madame President." Nanao-fukutaicho had her usual stern frown that she exclusively uses with Kyoraku-taicho.

"What?! Nooo! Write it now!"

"I refuse. Madam President, let me remind you that we, as a respectful and recognized association throughout Soul Society, is sworn to honesty, accuracy and credibility. We can't just add false, made-up information-"

"Vice President Nana, do as I say or I will fire and replace you with creepy Mayurin's creepy daughter, blow up doll-chan."

Renji quietly slipped out of the room, while giving Nanao Ise an apologetic look. Be sure to forget Kusajishi-fukutaicho's suggestion.

…

Yumichika Ayasegawa, however, chose to view it _aesthetically_.

"Ah…the beauty of unrequited love –Renji flinched uncomfortably at the word- always accepting, always giving even if never returned. You know, I never considered this emotion called love-"

"Please, Yumichika-san, let's not call it like that. And what gives you that idea?"

"-to be beautiful. As it's not physical, it's intangible. Judgment though visual appearance is impossible. But dare I say its manifestation is rather appealing and likable like the beautiful and striking physical allure of raw, untouched nature that strongly correlates with me and my aesthetic expression that is-"

"Shut up, Yumichika, you're not helping him at all."

"Ikakku, to understand the beauty of-"

"Oi Renji…"

"Huh?"

"_Man the fuck up_."

…**0…**

Nobility _suited_ her.

She talks like a boy, but there's something gentle about her. A Noble-ish and feminine air.

Before, Renji can't help but feel that Kuchiki-taicho's decision of adoption must have been the best for her.

…On a superficial and material level.

She was never happy. He was never happy.

She has food, clothes and large manor. He has someone to look up to. But they weren't happy.

It was just a bad decision that ended up hurting the both of them.

And now, they lacked the emotional closeness they had before.

It's fine. He can stay like this. The place was no longer his, or _never_ his.

That one where Ichigo stood now.

They shared something similar to what he shared with Rukia during their childhood. _Closeness_. The difference is it took them shorter time to completely trust each other.

**Two months **_**over**_** years of living. **

_But is it the quantity that matters over quality?_

There's also this _separation_. Did that made any difference? Yes, a _big_ one.

_Or quality over quantity_.

Two months and Ichigo has been hell-bent on saving her. Something that Renji was also finally able to do _because_ of Ichigo.

Does this brat really _needed_ just to make him do what's right? To do what he wanted to?

They are the true opposites. They are complimentary. And Renji, no matter how close he once was, could not deny that what they have right now…has become completely _irreplaceable _and_ incomparable_.

Could he approach that? Beat that?

Well…it's…it-

_It doesn't matter_.

It doesn't really matter.

_She's happy_.

And he's fine with that. As long a she's happy.

He can stay in the sideline.

He could only stare up at the Universe as the Sun and Moon becomes Night and Day. Opposites that complement each other. What the other doesn't have, the other provides. Black and White. Complimentary opposites.

_Inseparable. _Even with worldly distance framed by great boundaries_._

…**0…**

_Maybe he's wrong_ to assume she will be happy living within a wealthy clan.

_Maybe it's wrong_ to leave her isolated during those fifty years.

_Maybe he shouldn't_ have placed a wedge between them in the first place.

Then maybe, just maybe…

_He won't have to settle with just watching the Moon be the Sun's other half_.

**…o0O0o…**

_The End_

**Author's Note**

Poor dude, Renji is.

Thank you for reading.

...

**…**

**…**

**Love me or Hate me?**

**Dissonencia.**


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